Running Up That Hill
by Strizzy
Summary: Post Season One. How are Meredith & Derek coping with the aftermath of their breakup, and what happens when somebody gets hurt?
1. Chapter 1

Running Up That Hill

**A/N: So this is completely new territory for me, but I'm giving it a go. Not much else to say but I hope that you like it, and I don't own anything!**

Chapter One:-

It's late, or perhaps a better way of phrasing it is early. Midnight has long since come about and passed again, and yet sleep just won't come. Unfortunately this has been par for the course recently; she has barely slept since he last held her in his arms at night and that was weeks ago, before his wife showed up and he decided to go back to her.

Exhaustion was beginning to set in. As if being a surgical intern wasn't tiring enough, she wasn't even able to sleep when she should have been taking the opportunity to either, so she wasn't recharging and energy levels were constantly diminishing, add all of that to ever increasing loneliness and it was hardly surprising that her work was beginning to suffer, though she wasn't sure that her supervisors had noticed. However, surely if Bailey had noticed that anything was amiss then she would have said something because that's the sort of person she was.

Finally deciding that trying to sleep was a pointless exercise, she turned over to look at the clock and sighed upon discovering that it was barely 3:30am. She stretched out her muscles and raised herself from the bed; trying and failing not to think about how not so long ago they were sharing that same bed every night, the nostalgia bringing tears to her eyes for the countlessth time. She had to get out of the room; too many memories, but that was pretty much the same for the whole damn house, so she made a decision.

Half an hour later found her walking slowly around the local park, trying to pass by the hours until she had to be at work, another 24 hour shift looming; just what she needs when she can barely function properly. However, at least here the memories couldn't haunt her. If only that were true. The truth of the matter was that the memories were impossible to escape, and maybe a part of her didn't want to be able to, the part that still loved him, despite what he had reduced her to by throwing her by the wayside. She sank down on a nearby bench as they washed over her again, the tears falling from her eyes as she remembered everything…**the nameless man in the bar…the awkward morning after…finding out he was her boss…the kiss in the elevator, against her better judgement…his persistence…her reluctance…giving in…breakfast dates…drinking wine together by the docks…the loud and extremely passionate sex that annoyed her roommates no end…the night at his trailer in the back of beyond where they didn't have to worry about disturbing anybody…learning more about each other with each passing day…**

The tears fell faster. There was of course one major detail that he had neglected to mention to her; that he had a wife back in New York. He was married. She hadn't known. The way in which she found out was one of the most painful memories that she held, in both her head and her heart…

**It had happened at the end of a very testing and stressful day; the day of Richard Webber's (the chief of surgery) secret operation to remove a brain tumour, which had been, thankfully, successful. She had met him in the hospital lobby at the end of their shifts…**but she was still unsure of how exactly the following events had come about…**one minute he had been helping her to put her coat on, and then the next he had turned to her and said, "Meredith, I'm sorry." Then she had been upon them, and the last thing that she remembered hearing was, "Hello, I'm Addison Shepherd, and you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."**

She choked, sobbing loudly, causing a passer-by, a man walking his dog, to look at her strangely, and she supposed that she probably did look a little strange, a young woman sitting on a park bench at half past four in the morning sobbing her eyes out, but at that moment she really didn't care what anybody thought of her; she had too much on her mind to worry about her appearance, and besides, what idiot walked his dog at that time in the morning?

Retreating back into her thoughts, she remembered when he had had to make his decision, when she had pleaded with him to **"Pick me, choose me, love me,"** alas he had not, and it had been since then that she had been gradually falling to pieces. She no longer slept, ate enough, spent any time with her friends; she had pretty much retreated into herself, and though she knew that her friends were worried about her, she could no longer bring herself to care. Getting through each day was a chore, and having to constantly put on a brave face at work, especially around him and his wife, was exhausting.

On top of all of that, she still had to oversee the care of her mother, and drop into the care facility in which she was housed as much as possible, not that she deserved that considering the way in which she had been treated by said woman as a child and through into adulthood, before she got sick. It also didn't help that her mother was so well known in both the medical field in general, and more specifically at Seattle Grace Hospital, where she now worked as an intern. It certainly wasn't easy being the daughter of the amazing super-surgeon that was Ellis Grey, but she did her best. Correction, she had been doing her best before she ended up in this mess, now she really didn't care.

She looked down at her watch and, noting the time, stood shakily and began to walk slowly back to her car. Once inside, she looked at her reflection in the rear-view mirror and began the process of erasing the tears and exhaustion from her complexion, which unfortunately meant using a lot of make-up, not so good for her skin, but what the hell did it matter; she couldn't look much worse than she already did. Sighing again, she looked over at the clock in the car to double check the time, realising that she didn't have much time to get to the hospital for the beginning of her shift. She turned on the ignition, revving the engine into life, and sped off through the early morning traffic to work.

Once there, she quickly parked the car and headed through the lobby to the elevator, which was, thankfully, waiting for her. She finally made it up to the intern locker room with only minutes to spare before rounds began. Ignoring the other people and goings on around her, she opened her locker and changed quickly before seating herself on the benches running through the centre of the room, between Izzie and Christina. She was keen to not have to talk to either of them, but she knew that that was unlikely, especially since she should have been bringing Izzie in with her this morning, who she was sure would want to find out why she'd had to make alternative plans at such short notice.

However, before either could strike up a conversation, the locker room door opened and in stepped Bailey to give them all their assignments for the upcoming shift.

"Ok then guys. Stevens, Cardio. Karev, Ortho. Grey, Neuro. Yang, Pit. What are you all waiting for? Get out there!"

_Perfect. Just brilliant._ Bailey had been sheltering her a bit of late, and keeping her away from him wherever possible, but it seemed that things were now back to normal, which meant that today was bound to be hell for her. Just what she needed on zero sleep!

She left the locker room caught up in her own thoughts, at least until she was brought back into reality by a sharp tap on the shoulder. She jumped and turned slightly to the side, Izzie coming into her line of sight as she did so.

"Where were you this morning? You didn't even leave a note!" Izzie demanded,

"I couldn't sleep, so I went to the park to clear my head," She replied wearily, not wanting to get into that particular discussion just then.

"Again? What is going on with you at the moment Meredith? You don't eat or sleep, and none of us have any idea where your head is at most of the time because you don't talk to us anymore…"

"I don't know Izzie, but I can't do this right now, I've gotta go…"

"Meredith, wait!" Izzie called after her as she started to walk way, but she didn't stop, she couldn't stop.

Suddenly feeling very nauseous, she ducked into the nearest bathroom and stumbled into a cubicle. Yet she quickly discovered that there was nothing to bring back up; she hadn't eaten very much at all in the last couple of days. Feeling rough, but shrugging the feeling off, she left the bathroom and continued once again towards her original destination, and him.

Clearly still not paying much attention to the proceedings in the corridor that she was walking along, she never saw the person run out of one of the rooms in front of her and come steaming towards her at full speed, knocking her off of her feet and unconscious before she could even register what was going on…

**Please read & review! Thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: OK, so I'm sorry that this has taken me so long to write, but that's kind of par for the course with me. Also, I really want to thank those of you who reviewed the last chapter, you're all great!**

Chapter Two:

He was wracked with guilt. He still couldn't believe that he had done that to her. He was a fool, and he knew it. She had been the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time, but he hadn't told her about Addison, and he couldn't forgive himself for that, let alone ask her to do so too. He had had a decision to make and, though he knew in his heart what, and who, he wanted, he told himself that he didn't deserve to have her, so he made himself settle for second best, leaving him heartbroken. But he felt that it was his own fault, and now this was his punishment, life with Addison, his wife who had cheated on him with his best friend.

Things weren't the same anymore. How could they be? She had cheated and in response he had packed up his life in New York City and moved out to Seattle to live out in a trailer in the middle of nowhere. He had moved on, fallen in love, not that he had either planned or expected to do so. It had just happened, not that he regretted it in the slightest. No, the one regret that he had was that he had let her go; whilst he was with her he had been happier than he had been in the previous eleven years with Addison put together. And now he was back at square one, stuck living and working with Addison in the confines of his cramped trailer and the hospital, knowing that his heart was no longer in it and that he would readily give it all up, if only he could have just one more night with Meredith, to be able to hug her, kiss her, make love to her, hold her in his arms as they both slept, all night.

He missed her. It was as plain and simple as that. Sure he had seen her around the hospital over the last few weeks, and he was incredibly concerned about her. She had always been thin, he knew that, but her clothes were now hanging off of her, and her face always looked ghostly pale, and those circles under her eyes, which seemed to grow by the day. She looked a wreck, and the worst part was that he knew that he was to blame, which was a bitter pill to swallow.

The truth was though, that he wasn't much better off himself. He wasn't eating or sleeping enough either, not that Addison had noticed any of that, yet when it came to him being anywhere near Meredith she was like an eagle-eyed hawk. It was both unnerving and incredibly annoying. She had wanted to live as his wife again, and yet she didn't to be the slightest bit interested in his physical or emotional well-being, her jealousy was her biggest priority, which in a marriage was wrong. Sure he loved Meredith, and he knew that Addison was suspicious of the feelings that he continued to have for her, but had he ever given her any reason not to trust him? If anyone couldn't be trusted it was her, since she was the one who had cheated on him. They had been separated when he was seeing Meredith.

He felt completely smothered. Everywhere he turned she was there, at home, at work. His trailer felt suffocating; he was the kind of guy who liked his own space, which was the whole reason for his liking that particular location, but he was constantly having to put up with Addison's never-ending complaints about the trailer and, funnily enough, its location. Was that woman never satisfied? As far as he was concerned, he considered her lucky that he didn't feel able to just flush their marriage down the toilet without at least giving it another try, particularly because her nagging attitude was something he could do without, when he had made the sacrifice and cut out a very important part of his life to make her happy. And still she wasn't.

No sleep again tonight. This, he decided, was pathetic. He was a Neurosurgeon for God's sake, how could he go digging around in someone's brain on zero sleep? Well, alright, after only one night without sleep he was pretty much ok, that was part of being a surgeon, but after that...mistakes were more likely, and that was dangerous. He wouldn't have been surprised if any of his colleagues had noticed the differences in him, he certainly had.

Addison was curled up beside him in bed, and as he glanced over at her he was struck by the realisation that for such an "independent woman" she sure was clingy when she didn't have a reputation to uphold. Completely the opposite of Meredith, who loved a hug and to snuggle up together, but she didn't pretend that she didn't need anybody, the fact that she had such close friends was a testimony to that. And there he went again. Comparing the two of them, though it was futile because the victor would always be the same, and would never be the woman lying beside him in his bed.

Disengaging himself from Addison's embrace, he stood quietly and headed for the overly small bathroom to dress and prepare himself for the day. He left the trailer shortly after, not bothering to leave a note for his wife; it wasn't all that difficult to work out where he would have gone after all, so what was the point? He wasn't exactly thinking straight, but he knew that he had to get out of there, so he started the commute to the hospital early, ensuring that he stood out on the deck once on the ferry in an attempt to blow away some of the cobwebs from his mind.

However, when he reached the hospital not long afterwards, he still felt exactly the same; heavy heart, sleep deprivation, lack of appetite...the list went on. But he had made his bed, so he had to lie in it. Finding himself to now be upstairs in his office, though without any recollection of how he'd actually come to be there, he quickly changed into his scrubs and left the room, being extra careful to lock the door behind him. He quickly checked the OR board as he walked by, before heading off to check on his patients.

A little while later found him stood at the nearest Nurses' Station to his wing waiting for the intern he had assigned to him for the day. He hoped more than anything that it would be her, yet he didn't really expect it, since Dr Bailey had been pretty protective of her since they broke up. Funnily enough, he was actually quite grateful for that, that someone was looking out for her interests at work; she didn't only have her friends.

It was as he was thinking this that he heard a shout raised from down the corridor. He didn't hesitate for a second. He ran in the direction of the raised voices, only to discover what could only be described as his worst nightmare because laying sprawled out on the floor in front of him, was the love of his life. He froze, going into a complete daze, unaware of everything around him but her. Suddenly he snapped back into action, throwing himself down onto the floor beside her, checking her pulse and breathing.

"Meredith," He called, "Meredith can you hear me?"

There was no reply.

_If I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
Get him to swap our places._

He had been joined by more people now, they were gathering around her, pushing him backwards until he was no longer touching her hand. Sitting back, but not losing sight of her, he found that his hands were shaking and he felt tears spring to his eyes. This was Meredith, the woman that he loved more than anybody in the world and she was laying there looking completely helpless, and he was powerless to help her, much as though he wanted to.

He became aware of a presence beside him and an arm around his shoulders, and when he looked around he saw Miranda Bailey knelt on the floor with him,

"Come on Dr Shepherd, get up," She said gently, but he couldn't find the willpower or physical strength.

"Dr Shepherd, Derek, we're trying to help her now. As soon as possible we're going to take her up for an MRI and then we'll take it from there. We're going to help her, but we need for you to stay calm for her, she needs you to be strong now."

He nodded and attempted to stand, but the feelings of helplessness and powerlessness still remained. He knew that he would give anything to be in her place; she didn't deserve that, he on the other hand...

_Come on, baby, come on, come on, darling,  
Let me steal this moment from you now._

_If I only could,_

_Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places._

He allowed himself to be led away by Bailey as his fellow surgeons worked on Meredith. This had only confirmed what he had pretty much known for weeks, that he couldn't imagine life without her, and if she pulled through this, he needed for her to know that.

He knew what he had to do...

_And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And I'd get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
With no problems._

**The song used in this chapter is "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo, and neither this song nor Grey's Anatomy belongs to me.**


	3. Chapter 3

Running Up That Hill

A.N. Hey, sorry it's been so long, uni has been crazy! It's a little short, but it's something! Hope you enjoy it!

Chapter Three:

It was like his worst nightmare come true. As he sat on the chair in the small office that had been assigned to him upon his arrival from the East Coast, he was haunted by the visions of her lying on the floor in front of him, completely helpless. And that was how he also felt at this moment, completely helpless to do anything but stare at the wall in front of him. He hadn't even been able to get to his office alone, even stand up from where he had been knelt on the floor in the corridor; Bailey had had to help him, before rushing off to find out what was happening with Meredith. Meredith who deserved none of what he had put her through. Meredith who would have been better off for having never met him. Meredith who was, without a doubt, the love of his life. Meredith who was now lying in a patient bed, instead of being the one to look after patients. He had tried to think of something else, but his mind was stuck on her; Meredith, Meredith, Meredith...

He was so caught up in his own world of thoughts of her that he never heard the door open, and so wasn't aware of another presence in the room until they spoke. Addison. There wasn't a person in the whole hospital who he wanted to see less than her right at that moment. She was shouting at him, but he wasn't actually paying any attention to her; nothing that she could say to him could make him feel any worse than he already did. He knew now that it was time. This had gone on for long enough. He couldn't live a lie anymore. He reached into his desk drawer for the papers that he had never bothered to dispose of, handing them over to her without saying a word. She took them from him, finally stopping the noise that she had been making, knowing exactly what he wanted from her. It was inevitable really; she had always known that he would regret not giving her up when he had the chance, and yet this had surprised her. Still clutching at the papers, she turned on heel and silently exited the room, leaving him to his thoughts again.

He lost track of how much time had passed. It was immaterial anyway. He knew that Bailey would come to let him know what was going on when she found out herself. So he waited, and prayed. He pleaded with God to let her be ok, that it wasn't too serious. He didn't want to think about the possibility of death, but his mind kept betraying him, straying to such thoughts continually.

His head snapped up as the door opened once again and he breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing that the figure in front of him was not that of his soon to be ex-wife. Instead he found himself face to face with Richard Webber, Chief of Surgery, who was actually looking at him sympathetically for a change.

"Bailey got an emergency page, so I promised her that I'd come to talk to you instead," He told him, "She's going to be alright Derek, it looked bad, but it was only a concussion, it just appeared worse because she's so weak; she's obviously exhausted and her blood sugar was through the floor when it was tested. Otherwise she's physically fine."

He was understandably relieved; however he also knew what the Chief wasn't saying. Emotionally speaking, there was no way that she could be fine right now. The killer for him was that he knew that this was his entire fault. Question was, what was he going to do now to sort it out? Richard was talking again, but he wasn't really registering the majority of what was being said. In fact, the only phrase that he did actually register consisted of two words; follow me. And so follow he did.

He was vaguely aware that all eyes were upon him as he followed Richard silently through the typically crowded halls of the vast surgical floor, but he really didn't care for the gossip just then. He had more important things on his mind, so he kept his eyes on Richard alone, following his lead as though his life depended on it.

Opening a door up ahead, Richard stepped to one side, ushering him into a private room away from all of the prying eyes. He took a deep breath and focused on the figure lying on the bed in front of him, pale as a ghost, though not quite to the same extent as the last time he'd seen her.

He was vaguely aware of Richard muttering something about having other places to be, as well as the door opening before closing once more, leaving him alone with the woman on the bed, the love of his life. He wandered closer to the bed, drinking in the sight of her, alive, and yet as beautiful as she had ever been. He reached out to stroke her face, relishing the feel of her skin beneath his fingers for the first time in so long. He found that in that moment he finally felt complete. He couldn't believe it had taken so long. Why had this been what it had taken to make him realise just how much he loved and how big of a mistake he had made in letting her go in the first place.

Feeling ashamed of himself, and unworthy of even looking at her at that moment, he turned away from the bed and walked over to the window. Staring out of the window at the Seattle skyline, he tried to get his thoughts in order. Meredith was alive and soon enough she would be back on her feet again. Half an hour ago, that was all that he could wish for, but now...well, now he didn't know what the future would hold; would she even want to have anything to do with him anyway?


End file.
